Here are some dad jokes that showed up in the WAPO today...
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
-Jay Holt
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
-Bill Davis
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
-Gabrielle Tillis
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
-Matt Rogers
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
-Brian Davidson
Did you get your hair cut?
No, I got them all cut!
-Chip Snyder
How do you know it's time to go to the dentist?
It's tooth-hurty.
-Greg Trudeau
I was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
-Stephen Dudzik
Termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bar tender?"
-Robin Stuart
Me: "Dad's hearing isn't what it used to be."
Dad: "What?"
-Jennifer Lopeman
I'm management. You're labor.
Now go cut the lawn.
-Brian Lawson
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
-Dave Cavenaile
How do churches make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.
-Mary Mahr
Look at those cows.
They are outstanding in their field.
-Mary Coyne
What do musicians do in a cemetery?
They decompose.
-Calvin Finley
What kind of bugs like toast?
Butterflies!
-Alison Creff
Liquor?
I didn't even kiss her!
-Dana Williams
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
-Amy Barbecho
What did the letter O say to the number 8?
Nice belt.
-Loren Watts
Why do they put only 239 beans in a can of Boston baked beans?
One more and it would be too fo-ahrty.
-Christine Winchester
Shall we go?
As one rabbit said to another, "lettuce."
-Victoria LaPointe
Me (to my elderly father): "How are you feeling?"
Dad: "With my fingers."
-Debra Thomas
What did one eye say to the other?
"Just between you and me, something smells."
-David Jupiter
Want to know how to keep someone in suspense?
…
-Michael Fox
I'm glad they finally caught that scoundrel who was breaking into cars in our downtown parking structure.
What he did was wrong on so many levels.
-Bruce D. Sanders
Why can't you starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
-Bob Wright
Who's in charge at MacDonald's farm?
The CIEIO.
-Jeanne Perdue
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato when she was walking too slowly?
"Ketchup!"
-Andrea Grillot
What is the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?
One is a bar room and the other is a BAAAAAROOOOOOOMMM!
-Chris Ross
What do you call a fake noodle?
An im'pasta.'
-Kaytlyn Bunting
Me: "Dad, how do I look?"
Dad: "Well, you used to be little but now you gruesome!"
-Eleanor Supinski
Why should you take your plants to the ballgame?
Because they always root for you!
-Suzanne Lijek
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
-Louanne Weston
What's the difference between me and a calendar?
A calendar has dates.
-Mike Enright
What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?
It's apparent.
-Jeff Anderson
At the restaurant..."Do you have a reservation?"
Hell no, do I look like an Indian?
